Recovery from Emotionally Immature Parents
Summary:
- Book “Recovery from Emotionally Immature Parents” helps readers regain inner power and balance in relationship with parents who are emotionally immature
- It’s divided into two parts: first deals with understanding emotionally immature parents, while second focuses on emotional autonomy and how to build healthy relationship with yourself
- Contains numerous examples from clinical practice and reflective exercises that can help in practically facing challenges
“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way” – Leo Tolstoy
When it appeared in these parts, book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” made impression it created small boom here, because it touched one quite serious and a bit awkward topic in these parts (though generally in world for millennials and generation before), and that’s situations when in family you have one (or both) emotionally immature parent(s). Book gained great popularity (I think on my blog one of most-read reviews is precisely about this book), and dared to delve into topic from different angle, which is that child isn’t always to blame for everything as emotionally immature parents knew to present.
Now before us is sequel – “Recovery from Emotionally Immature Parents.” No less important book compared to previous.
Book is (smartly) divided into two parts.
First big area (“What You’ve Been Fighting Against”) encompasses six chapters:
Your emotionally immature parent – shows us what it’s like to be in relationship with emotionally immature parents (in further text we’ll use abbreviation EIP which will refer to both singular and plural), i.e., what interaction with them looks like (loneliness, frustrating communication and similar), as well as how EIP system affects you (you can’t say no to them, feeling of exhaustion, like you’re in defendant’s dock) and what’s maybe cause for such personality formation of EIP;
Understanding emotionally immature parents – this chapter deals with parent types, manner in which they reveal their emotional immaturity (insecurity, need for domination, defining family roles, egocentrism…), how they (don’t) cope with reality (resistance, denying others’ feelings, oversimplifying reality, neglecting reality’s time sequence…), how they think (absence of emotional intelligence, rigid life view, superficial logic). Book touches on EIP’s coercion and domination tactics too (making you doubt yourself, fear, feel guilt, and especially shame);
Longing for connection with your emotionally immature parent – chapter covers what we long for in relationship with EIP, how EIP (un)consciously prevent connection (lack of interest, being busy, envy, easily upset, inconsistency), as well as why (adult) child still tries to connect with EIP, and how we grieve for this unrealized fantasy;
How to resist emotional takeover – very interesting chapter, because it shows how EIP’s distorted assumptions can be questioned, as well as how to free yourself from their distortion field (by becoming a bit more distant and objectively viewing situation), but also why we become vulnerable to emotional takeover (we feel guilty if we say “no,” fear of parental anger and similar) and seems like we can’t think of right answer to their attacks (we paralyze, emotionally disconnect);
Art of managing interactions and avoiding coercions – here book touches on guidelines how to make our skills more efficient in interaction leading to coercion from EIP, as well as which five practical skills we can apply;
Emotionally immature parents’ hostility toward your inner world – EIP undermines our inner world with their lack of interest for same, unaware how important it is for our emotional and mental stability (book covers five so-called “gifts” of inner world), and shows what all attitudes EIP has toward our inner world and why they’re hostilely disposed toward it. This leads to us turning against our inner world in different ways. However, book covers 10 ways to protect our inner world;
“It’s hard to be truly yourself when you have parents who are emotionally immature. Some children of emotionally immature parents express their discomfort by confronting them, but if you have reflective character and are inclined to internalize things, it may already be habit to suppress your true way of existing. In parents’ presence you may slightly hide your individuality to get along with them better. Maybe it makes you a bit nervous when you’re with them because it forces you to censor and think twice about everything before speaking.
What makes you so cautious about what you say? Reason for this caution is that emotionally immature people quickly judge and mock others’ intimate experience. From their viewpoint, your inner world is unnecessary and only distracts you from what they consider important. They expect you must agree with them on everything, so when you express different opinion or express what you feel, they take it as lack of respect. They behave as if nothing happening in you has value, unless they approve it.”
Second area (“Emotional Autonomy”) covers following topics:
Nurturing your own relationship toward yourself – here we’ll see what impact rejection of our inner world (and inner self) has on us and why it’s important to nurture it, as well as how to start better relationship with yourself. Likewise we’ll see why it’s important to value our inner experiences and that caring for ourselves becomes priority;
Art of mental cleaning – here we’ll see how to separate our true thoughts from those we inherited, and appropriated as if they’re ours (shame effect, freedom of thought as disloyalty to EIP, EIP’s insistence to tell you what you should think), as well as why (healthy) dialogue with ourselves is important;
Update concept you have about yourself – this chapter introduces us to fact we’re now, after all, adult people and should protect our adult self-concept, as well as five ways to update self-concept. We’ll see how to identify and reexamine distorted concepts we have about ourselves;
Now you can have relationship with parents you always wanted – no, this doesn’t mean your EIP will suddenly transform, but simply understand how to balance yourself in EIP’s presence.
Mental cleaning process is very simple: don’t believe every thought that burdens you. Many people believe self-critical thoughts are their conscience’s voice, but that’s not true. Real conscience guides you; it doesn’t bring extensive accusations on topic of how good or bad you are. Healthy conscience favors moral development because it encourages you to correct mistakes and repair damage you made. Merciless criticism and blaming are falsification of inner guidance, just echo of rigid thinking emotionally immature parents imposed on you in childhood. Real role of your conscience is to guide you, not attack you.
As can be noticed, “Recovery from Emotionally Immature Parents” in first part does small recap of first book (but also expands it with some important information), while in second part turns to how to regain our inner power and balance in relationship with emotionally immature parent.
Book is permeated with numerous examples from author’s clinical practice, as well as simple reflective exercises (i.e., tools) you can apply.
As I mentioned in first book’s review, this title won’t give you power to point finger at EIP and blame them for all bad that happened to you. I believe you want to do that (and I believe that impulse is strong), but likewise fact is that won’t change anything in your life, except make you temporarily feel better, then after that even worse.
Fact is large number of readers won’t be indifferent while reading this book. Many will recognize in it their own EIP… or maybe even themselves as such (if that’s situation, kudos, there’s hope for you, because mostly EIP don’t see themselves as culprits and moreover, if you gave them to read this book, there’s big probability they won’t recognize themselves or simply say book is useless) or maybe their partner.
This is book about empowering yourself and gently returning scales to balance of power. Fact is, when we’re young, we definitely aren’t same nor equal with parents, but likewise fact is emotionally immature parents forget that at one point across from them no longer stands some small child, but adult person living their own life, and has their own virtues and flaws and their own opinion and world view, as well as that “power” relationship slowly changes and some kind of balance is established (because maybe we’re someone’s child, but for whole world, including our parents, at some point we became adults).
Book provides various approaches how to deal with EIP, from diplomatically changing subject, turning to humor, even categorically holding your position.
Book reads very easily (but it’s recommended not to rush reading and think about each chapter) and has some 260 pages. Likewise, should keep in mind this book, maybe even more compared to previous, is turned a bit toward more practical examples (actions, tools).
All in all, “Recovery from Emotionally Immature Parents” is excellent title and good help in recovery and regaining control over your emotional life, as well as better connection (or better said, re-acquaintance with your inner world and its values).
Book is for everyone, and I especially recommend it to those who work a lot with people (whether psychologists, psychotherapists or coaches) in field of emotional healing from wounds that have roots in family relationships.
And you, dear reader, what are your impressions of book? 🙂
Book price: Finesa | Delfi
